To say this has been a crazy year for me is an understatement. As I finished up the first chemo regimen, I started to look back at how far I’ve come.
I’ve been living this year day by day. Which if anyone knows me is soooo not me. I’m more of a planner. I like to know what is going to happen. This all went out the window when I heard the words “you have cancer”.
I had no choice but to start living in the moment. I think it’s been the best thing that has come out of this. I’ve been able to enjoy the now and not think too hard about the future. Or the past.
With that being said I really had a breakdown moment this weekend. This last round of chemo really kicked my booty. The fatigue was real y’all. I could barely move from my bed to the restroom without feeling like I was going to pass out. So basically I just laid around and started thinking. I even for a moment started to feel sorry for myself. Not proud of that but I did. And I think it’s important to share. I try to stay positive on my blog but it wouldn’t be fair to not be truthful. Especially for those of you who are going through this journey yourself.
After I had a “poor me” moment, I started really thinking about the past. Which as I said earlier I haven’t really been doing. I started to think about how far I have come. Now don’t get me wrong, I realize I still have a long way to go. But it was nice in my moment of weakness to realize how strong I have been so far.
I made it through the breast exam where they found a new lump. I’ve made it through the biopsy, which I then had to wait through the weekend to hear if I had cancer. I made it through the appointment where time stood still as my nurse Norma told me that it was in fact cancer. I made it through the countless tests. MRI, two ultrasounds, and mammograms. I was told that everything on the tests looked good but they recommended a double mastectomy because of the other benign tumors in my breasts. I was told we caught it early. Only to come to find out it had invaded my lymph nodes and I was a stage 3a. I made it through the healing of the mastectomy. The drain removals. I made it through the appointment where I was told I would need chemo and radiation. Initially they didn’t think I would need either. I made it through port surgery. And now I can say I made it through the red devil chemo. Y’all this year has been tough. But I’m SO thankful that I looked back for a moment. It made me realize during a weak moment I was having that this too shall pass.
We are all stronger than we give ourselves credit for. I remember the weekend I was waiting to find out if I had cancer. I called my mom in tears. I told her I’m not strong enough to go through this. She told me we are all strong as we need to be. I didn’t understand at the time. But as always mom was right.
Next week I begin my next chemo which I will have weekly for 12 weeks. It is suppose to be easier on me. 🙌🏻
I also planned a beach vacay with my awesome boyfriend and a couple of our friends. It is much needed! 🙂
Until next time…